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Lily Flower

Did I Forgive?

I was confronted with emotions that I knew I was past. I knew surely I’m not still triggered by this or even upset…. but, truth be told I had triggers that activated the slew of emotions I felt. Let’s be honest, many of us have been confronted with emotions that we felt we overcame, it isn’t until we are face to face with it that we learn of our victory or our need for healing.

It’s no secret that single parents face a ray of emotions on a daily and sometimes minute by minute basis. Recently, I was confronted with forgiven and wondering if I had truly forgiven or brushed my religious thought of “oh, I’ve forgiven him”. Let me tell y’all…. I had a come to self moment and realized that I hadn’t fully forgiven! I was angry, enraged, bitter, envious, petty(yes I said that), and straight up MAAAAAAADDDDDDD! Now, this isn’t that angry black woman issue, this was I am still hurt and the thoughts have triggered me.

I was sitting in my room talking to Jesus…. I begin expressing what was on my heart and asking Him if I’m being petty to feel this way because I don’t want to carry these emotions around and misplace them on some else. Let me put a pin right there; if you don’t confront the emotions you’re feeling and deal with them, you WILL place them where they don’t belong and that WILL cause more mess…..DEAL WITH YOUR STUFF, IT’LL FREE YOU!! Alright, back to me lol….as I begin to express how I was feeling it hit me that I hadn’t fully forgiven. FULL FORGIVENESS means RELEASING that individual from the association of the pain. Releasing YOURSELF from the association of the pain is HEALING. I want you to let that sit in your mind. Healing can only happen when you are honest with where you are and what needs to be fixed.

As I sat and talked to God I begin to weep, and in that moment I could feel my heart and soul healing. Forgiveness isn’t only for another, but for yourself. Start there, forgive the version of you that didn’t know how to properly forgive and release it to God. I begin to tell God that I’m laying these feelings at His feet and taking on the fruits of the spirit( Gal 5:22-23) so that this healing will be complete. I also asked Him for the grace to see my co-parent the way He sees him, through the eyes of grace & mercy. Addressing emotions are not the easiest…. especially when you were never shown how to do so, BUT you can’t make that an excuse. With the help of God, real community, and honesty you WILL heal and forgive.

So, let me close out with the plot twist lol. After crying and hearing God’s heart on the matter, I was confronted with the opportunity to put in practice what I JUST finished talking to Him about. Abba has a REAL good sense of humor, but it isn’t to make us fail, but to show us that we are able to forgive just as He forgives us!

HEAL…. your present and future YOU needs you to be WHOLE!